restricted

end

2005-11-16T15:50:00.000+08:00

the end

kboxie

2005-11-15T10:33:00.000+08:00

Its kinda weird. When you spend time with people you know for many years, everything just comes naturally. Unlike some you just knew. Why cant we go back to p school life? Shit. I dont want to grow up.

Kbox is like the third coolest stuff ever. Roller blading comes first followed by ice skating. =) If only Im rich.

Changing my hair soon. New hair, new perspective.

lost

2005-11-09T10:47:00.000+08:00

For the first time in so many months, I feel like I dont know what to do with my life anymore. No life, no interest. There just isnt anymore things to look forward to. My life is an empty sheet of paper with the word FAILURE on it in big capital letters. shit, I need to think of ways to cheer myself up.

I dont like training anymore!!!!! I feel like crying. I think conditioning killed all my interest off. Die,die,die. I wish there werent any pain in training. No pulling or hopeless strenous exercises. No fear of falling and dying. Nothing. Just pure jumping like a bird without gravity.

I am not looking forward to holidays and I dont know why. I rather go back to school la. Not that I really like my school but at least training wouldnt be so tough and I'll see my friends. Now I wouldnt. Cause the bloody system wants us to change classes.

I dont know what i am doing with my life. I dont want to know. I am just living and wandering. Shit it.

you do know dont you?

2005-11-06T13:41:00.000+08:00

I realised it is fun to go out with no objectives and no burden. Not literally. Like finally Im going out with my wonderful classmates and we have to get seperated. Anyway, the last months were cool. Best months? Nah. I am not looking forward to the ending of the hols.

Can somebody at least tell me what to do for the holidays? Other than going out. Hanging out with my ex-classmates, my soon-to-be-ex classmates, my seniors. Who esle? Nothing left to do. Life is so boring.

I want a boyfriend. We would fall in love so romantically. Then we would date. By the ocean preferably. And he would be the sweetest, cutest, nicest and sexiest voiced guy ever. We would hold hands and talk for hours. I will tell him everything. We would hang out together. And I would lose my first kiss to him. That will be SWEET.

You do know thats not going to happen in the near future dont you?

oh man

2005-11-01T14:39:00.000+08:00

My tagboard is dead. Aiya, heck la.

Guess what, next year I'll be sec 2! Unexpectedly, I passed every subject. No matter how sucky, it was still passed. Thank you thank you.

Ice skating was fun. I like it. I want to go k box. Wouldnt it be fun?

I want to go back on PSLE results release day. Or whatever it is called. It'll be fun. I miss them.

There will be more people to miss next year. Why must we change classes? I'll have four more batches of people to miss I guess. Shit.

I wouldnt let my grades validate me. Hoho.

yoyoyo

2005-10-29T23:28:00.000+08:00

I didnt blog for super long! Nice nice nice.

First thing first. Netball carnival!! Who's the baby? 102 got first in cheering! Typical surprise. At least we wwon something. I love the comm and cheerers. It was super great being a captain. THANK YOU 102

Next, training started. Super tiring. Intensive training. Sounds like geog. Intensive and subsistence whatever. Oh ya, I kinda passed all my subjects so far, Not sure about my english and chinese. They better pass or I die.

Ok, my mum bought me a story book. Cause my exam over. And her budget is 10 bucks. I WANT SHOPAHOLIC!!! No choice, i got this super weird book. teenage gossipy kind. I think the inet survey is dead. Doesnt work la. Who cares. Dont do lor.

I miss my friends. Next year change classes. Like what the heck?!? Now I have to start all over again. argh

I will be back blogging. Blog, I'm sorry for abandoning you like that, I promise that I will never do it again. Do you believe me?
I dont think so.

Whee, computer studies was fun. I like my eportfolio. =)

-You never said I never knew-

argh

2005-10-23T13:41:00.000+08:00

shit. I just typed out this wonderful post and it couldnt be published. What the hell. I give up.

I wanna enjoy my life NOW. no more school. End of discussion.

mummy

2005-10-23T13:33:00.000+08:00

So its over. I seem to be dreading the results. I am scared. HOW? I know I will fail many things. Just dont let me stay back or retain. When will it be over? Next monday and all results will be back. I cant take it la.

Anyway, going teresa house later. yay. Im bored. I need to go out!!I almost cant wait for netball carnival. Its going to be fun I guess. I HOPE.

I miss training. Its coming back. Conditioning. Hola Hola...I want school to end!!! end end end. its so meaningless now. Just give me my results back la. Im really scared.

I want to go sentosa, I want a sleepover, I want to go ice skating, I want to go shopping and I want red hair. I want a party!! I want to sleep till 2 and wake up feeling like I got nothing to do anymore and go back to sleep. School please end soon.

-I want my mummy-

last day

2005-10-20T16:19:00.000+08:00

I feel like the worst friend ever on earth. Im so horrible!!!! Can you believe I forgot olivia's birthday? We were friends for like 4 years or 3 years? And I forgot. Wow. Im a bitch man. I am SO SORRY oliv. I had exams lor!!! Stupidddd. Man, i feel really bad.

Some stupid person stole my liquid away. It costs 4 bucks thanks a lot. She took it from under my nose when I was having the worst test of my life which is biology. And she CONFISCATED IT. I dont believe it. I wonder why I didnt snatch it back. If you dont have money, I will buy one for you. Dont pick up my rubbish please?

I know my blog is dead. I feel dead too. One more day la. What the hell la. Friends forever. Friends dont forget birthdays, friends dont not talk for half a year. Man, I am a lousy friend. I wouldnt blame you if you didnt want such a friend. Everyone is depressed nowadays, so sian. I feel like I've changed for the worse. RIGHT?

-Why do I hate school that much?-

EOY week

2005-10-14T18:15:00.000+08:00

Ok, so on the bright side, lit is over. Speech and drama is over. PE is over. My life is over.

One damn hopeless week left. Then after the exams, I need to make the horrible portfolio which is so stupidly stupid i wish I can just delete the damn thing away.

Yea, I hate history. I hate geography. I hate english. I hate chinese. So in conclusion, I hate everything except lit and science. But I didnt say I like them too. oh holiness. save me?

Im supposed to do maths now. Yet I've just wasted 20 minutes away. Ok fiona, you are SO hardworking.

Oh and mr lim is hopeless. Monday is the exam, and I still havent gotton my paper back. Thanks a lot.

oolala. its getting hotter

2005-10-07T17:46:00.000+08:00

You know, I realised just how much training meant to me. The people there, the trampoline and everything including conditioning. Just a simple 3 weeks. I cant even let it go. Fiona, you are so useless.

Exams make you reflect on your life. I should really move on now. I dont feel like I am. hell, there's just no point.

I miss pauline, jess, sher, shinyi, the other sec 2s, sec 3s, sec 4s. Haix. I miss my primary school friends. teresa, teranjit, qiyuan, ming jie, olivia... so many...

Ok, lets get the depressing things away. I am just going to chiong through this stupid EOYs and survive it.

LETS GET IT STARTED FIONA. MAKE IT HOT!

long long time

2005-09-29T20:04:00.000+08:00

so long so long.... Today's date is 29. My previous post was 23. Hm. Why am I so busy? I cant stand it. I'm dying and I miss my computer.

Ok, my blog has turned into bitching ground. Which is bad bad bad. Maybe I'll do without a blog next year. Maybe. I really need to grow up la.

Yea, so life sucks. As if there's anything anyone can do. Anyway the weekends are coming. The end of the week. There'll be no training. Nothing to look forward to or kill stress. And nothing to stop those lumps from melting.

I'll blog tmr I promise. But i might break it though.

life

2005-09-23T18:18:00.000+08:00

i decided to stop being that nice ass I am. Maybe I can learn from kayleigh. Honesty. So here it goes.

Some people act like eveyone wants to talk to them. You know what? Asses are ignorant shits. I know im crude. Forgive me girl. Or should I say homo? Anyway, I dont want to keep things anymore and be such a hypocrite.

102 cheer! Go 102 102... Its cool being the cap.

I need to lose weight. 300 situps a day. That should help me I GUESS.

Life's like that. Face it assholes.

yo

2005-09-21T16:24:00.000+08:00

You know what people say I look like? A GUY. Like what the hell la. I'm so changing my image. Soon. I'm so insulted.

So many days I didnt blog. Nothing to say la. Life is so damn ordinary. Plain girl. Clara says I look like a next door girl. Oh wells.

I cant wait for december. I'm going SHANGHAI. Children's day coming soon leh. How? I want it too. How could this be happening?

I think the PSLE results day can go back to school. I hope. No way am I seeing the two assholes again

bloody

2005-09-16T17:45:00.000+08:00

Im bitching with my bro. And neglecting all my work. Hokay. Conflict in class. I cant stand it. Ew, girls.

I love my mp3! I bet shinyi is going red. Dont worry, you will get one someday too!

EEEE, I DONT WANT BEACH CLEANING!! I DONT WANT TO MISS TRAINING ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE'S CONDITIONING!! I HATE ICCS FOR EVER.

I feel like a bitch, I dont like it. YAY, cheering rocks.

i love my ass

2005-09-14T17:39:00.000+08:00

I found out something today. When you blink, upper eyelid goes to lower eyelid. not the other way. However the mouth is the opposite. =) Its almost impossible to reverse the order. I was trying it out on the bus. =) Guess I look totally normal.

Saw john's brother today at the busstop. HA. choir guy, lumpy disgusting shit and murderer. Bad luck!

I got 8 upon 9 for history!!! Im like super shock la when they said Register number sixteen instead of Fiona Lee May Yi. Call me 16 from now on? Ah teen, teeny. I like it.

Not looking forward to saturday's beach shit. Not with training with conditioning around. No way.

ham

2005-09-10T17:26:00.000+08:00

I am eating ham now!! Ham makes you high. I feel loved. =)

Today was shit. Morning I woke up to realise mosquitoes had just kissed me all over my body and my face. So I freaked out and nearly died. Then I was in the bus to training and I had the fortune of sitting next to this totally stinky guy. For 20 mins? I had to breathe in his smell for 20 minutes? I almost vomited when I walked out of the bus. oh man.

Watching backstreet boys mvs now. I love NICK. I love him. I love backstreet boys. I love simple plan too. Oh my god. It was backstreet boys that caused my first crush. Oh my god.

Why do I have to go to school? I want an ipod.

tit and tat

2005-09-09T23:17:00.000+08:00

You know in your life, you experience many many wonderful feelings? Here are three

1) Being in love
2) Finally peeing/shitting after holding it for two hours
3) Doing something you thought you couldnt or finally accomplishing something

okays. training tmr again. sian sian. It was so great being with teresa and teranjit again. Thats one of life's greatest feelings.

I dont mean to bitch girl. But you totally suck. I dont think you know that. You need two smacks in your butt and four in your face. I will gladly do that for you. I totally wish I didnt know you at all.

I woke up today, I thought I didnt have to go to school no more, that school was abolished, gone forever. Then, I looked at my table and my hopes were smashed. I want to drop out!!!

you suck

2005-09-07T16:36:00.000+08:00

BBQ was fun! Nice day nice day. Too bad its over. This is sad. School is bad. Gee, it rhymes.

I dont understand whats the problem with some people. Why cant they stop being such a bitch? Come on la, you think you are some seducer? Oh please, I'll bet my fortune that you are nothing but an ass sucking bitch who thinks you are pretty but actually you dont even look like a martian. ASSHOLE GIRL. Im so going to hate you. Forget about meeting up for the second time. Go lick your own shit la. Oh wait, dont pollute one of the most wonderful fertilizers on earth. It'll dirty newater too.

Wow, that felt better. training tomorrow. I'm tired already. I want to have a phone conversation! Those feelings are bursting.

Almost here, only almost here.

damn

2005-09-04T18:38:00.000+08:00

Why is everybody so sad and depressed and whatever crap? Look at the recent New Orleans incident. How many people are worse off? For goodness sake la.

I think Katrina is a nice name. Maybe I'll name my daughter that.

I feel extinct. The fiona species is gone. Am I invisible? Dont anyone care? I miss teresa. I need to go to the library tomorrow. Maybe reflect, maybe just feel extinct again.

you know what?

2005-09-03T18:52:00.000+08:00

Ice gymnastics. Yay. doesnt it sound nice? Ice skating is so like gymnastics. I love the tramp team. Happy birthday clara and shaowen, Im sure you both loved the soap that flew down from the machine.

Damn school. I hate you. Can I stay in a dustbin? Will you get that for my christmas present? DO you know how badly I did for everything? I want to burn everything away, and let those memories burn with it too.

You know what? the smell of cut grass is just like mashed potatoes with coca-cola and mayonaise. yucks. I rather breathe in your fart.

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I would fart. Isnt it like so totally funny? I like it man.

I think my stomach has too much gas.

-stuck in this toiletbowl life-

happyness

2005-08-31T20:10:00.000+08:00

AND I FEEL LIKE---HIGH
I FEEL LIKE--- Best day ever

I love everyone. I know im going to burst. AHHH. Im so happy. I love you!! Woosh. Teachers day rock rock ROCK

OK, the day started with going to school. sian. Then, AFTER SCHOOL!! I went to Rmps. Yay. Canteen food was nice. the school was new and different. Friends were like PONG. PONG PONG PONG. And all the guys voices break. So sexy. I shall name one. (ERIC) Then, we went watch MAID. which wasnt too bad but not very scary. =) Next we went back to rmps. AGAIN. AND, we did aces routine!!! with the p5!!! im like sooo HIGH. So I didnt want to go home. And we all went to safra. except ming. yay. Laughing fit lasted for 15 mins I think. And I got hit by the damn swing thanks to -ahhem-

OK, this is the end, I shall end my wonderful day now. Must I wait till next year? =(

6A'04, I love you guys forever.

songs

2005-08-28T11:28:00.000+08:00

Have you ever met a song that melts you totally? In the bus, you listen to it and you cant help feeling an emotional surge?

Isnt it like a wonderful feeling, listening to something which you can relate. Simple Plan. I really want to put the lyrics down but who'll even bother looking.

No one will call. Whats another night all alone? Just a kid. Life's a nightmare. Staring at these four walls again. Leave me here all alone. (Just a kid)

Teachers Day. I'm so bursting. 3 more days. I cant wait to grow up. I feel like a baby.

To teresa:

It's not your fault la. Aiyo, why keep saying that. I can never get angry with you. =) And I had to copy your idea cause I dont want to make this too public or something. Dont blame me. =))

dotted lines

2005-08-27T22:09:00.000+08:00

signed out of msn within 5 mins. Im so disciplined. Shall start on english article like now. after this post.

It was meant to be fun. It wasnt la. I kinda anticipated it. Seeing 6As once again was like emotional rush. Can i survive wednesday? I missed everyone hopelessly. i feel like a puppet.

I can never read minds. Never. I just aint sensitive enough. Such a failure. Start life afresh girl. Please?

Have you ever felt really down and yet you were trying to look upbeat? That feeling is just... worse than feeling and acting depressed altogether. ARGH. I need to take my happiness pill.

sound of the crowd, so far away.

lonely

2005-08-26T22:21:00.000+08:00

Simple plan's-- welcome to my life. How long has it been my favourite song?

can I be an alien? Please? I cant stand loneliness. I want to be an alien!!!! go uranus? build a condo? marry an alien? born a new breed? PLEASE?

It was a mistake, nothing but a mistake. Not your typical human.

coffee?

2005-08-25T20:52:00.000+08:00

Now I have an extra two holes in my body. Wow, I feel so proud of myself. Earrings, im going to love you.

I passed my chemistry test!! Yar, big deal. 24/35. Wow.

Police, I want to report a crime. RG stole my happiness. I cant locate it anymore nor find a new one. Its a one and only thing. Please sentence the robber to 99 years in jail?

-flowing and then.....Stop.-

trust

2005-08-24T16:30:00.000+08:00

I should be getting my free tickets today and seeing him but oh well. So predictable. Will he even give me the ticket? I dont know, i really do not know.

Today, I BROKE my RECORD. Actually is set la, aiya whatever. I killed a mosquito!!!! like first time in my life. Cant believe I did it. Yay.

The bus was moving, the guys behind were:
hey where the fuck you going la.
im going to the fucking -place-
wah you fuck lucky la
fuck you la
fuck you back

isnt it entertaining? i was trying not to burst.

hyperventilating

2005-08-21T23:25:00.000+08:00

you are just hyperventilating thats all. chill girl. fiona, look and listen. You can manage things fine. Just control. Nothing is going wrong you hear me? Nothing. Its all hyper ventilation. Dont freak out.

I think I'll start conditioning now. I'm losing it all. My mind is a tornado. Who am I? I cant remember now. Conditioning, yes yes...

shitshit

2005-08-21T21:49:00.000+08:00

PILE OF SHIT PILE OF SHIT PILE OF SHIT!!!!!! IM GOING TO DIE!!!!!

FREAK LA, IM GOING TO FAINT CAN?? WHAT WILL YOU DO IF YOU CANT BREATHE??? GO HOSPITAL?

I CANT!!!! THERE IS NOT A SINGLE HOSPITAL FOR SUFFOCATING UNDER WORK! AND ITS NOT LIKE IM LEFT ALONE TO SHIT OUT ALL I NEED TO....

IM NOT!!! IM GOING TO CRY IM GOING TO CRY! I NEED TO GO MENTAL HOSPITAL!! NOW, AT THIS FREAKING MOMENT, MY MUM IS GOING, I WISH I DIDNT BORN YOU!!!

WHATEVER, I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE. IM A PILE OF SHIT

go to my funeral?

2005-08-19T17:21:00.000+08:00

Everyone needs a HUG sometimes.I need it now. Who's there to give me one? Nobody but myself. The walls are cold.

fiona: hey you, can you please get out of my life? WHY are you torturing me like this???
school: You were the one who chose to get inside me, what do you expect me to do?
fiona: damn la damn la. go and die please. I HATE YOU
CCA: do you hate me too?
fiona: nah, i love you. How can i hate you? ARGH, i cant be bothered arguing anymore. get out of my life. You are stealing it away school...

the above is fully fictional, any reference to real life is purely coincidental.

teachers day, 2 more weeks. i miss 6A to pieces of shit.

-blank photograph-

sucky

2005-08-12T23:48:00.000+08:00

Chem test was SHIT. SHIT man... Just fail me, spare all the markings.

I hate PTs, I hate work, I hate tests and I hate school. Blast them ALL...

Please GO and DIE? Thanks.

2005-08-08T19:08:00.000+08:00

HELLO!
THIS IS TERESA POSTING ON FIONA'S BEHALF.

foNa lUbBiEx mii manzzzzzzzzz.
I lUbB lUbB foNa tOo manzzzzzz.

hip hip hooray (:

fuck la

2005-08-05T22:27:00.000+08:00

I feel so tired. Let me go please. So tired. Finally the holidays, I'm going to die on my bed. Personally I feel the bed is like my coffin and I'm the vampire. I die there everyday and wake up in the wee hours like a zombie. AH, why cant the day have 30 hours? Then I have 6 more hours of sleep. yay

I decided to ignore my dad. I'll still be talking to him and stuff but whatever his views and opinions I'm not going to get myself pissed over it. Not worth it. I'm dying already. Doesnt really matter.

Today was crazy. I cant believe I'm such an absolute moron and an absolute genius mixed together. I stayed back till 6 for nothing at all. Pointless shit. Perseverance pays. Dont ever give up.

-a shadow's bliss-

eee

2005-08-03T21:48:00.000+08:00

I need to clarify something. Its not that I really hate my parents. I just needed to fa xie. And I feel that my dad and me, we belong to different worlds. And I've tried. Understanding is tough. I need to grow up more la. Argh.

dead

2005-08-03T16:13:00.000+08:00

My blog is dead. DEAD, I need to do CPR on it. Today I nearly died. Playing netball and then the ball just came and WHAM. Into my eye with the contact. I nearly fainted. I was afraid. Very afraid. Then when I opened my eyes, it was like I cant open it at all. And everything was blur. One eye was blur. I thought the contact dropped. But nooo, it was at the side. I cant find it. So I had to ask my friend to PULL it back to the centre. She freaked, I freaked. We all freaked out.

Yes, then I failed my history test. Freak. I failed my history test. Sad. 4/10. Why cant you just give me one more freaking mark?

And in the morning I got so pissed with my dad I nearly exploded. I swear the tears were rolling down. How I wish I can deliver this speech:

"Hey, I know you are my dad. That is precisely why I've been tolerating you all this while. I've tried to show you respect but you thought I was mocking at you. I tried being nice but all you did was find fault. I give up

That was better. Ah. I know I was mean, I just needed to let go

spolt

2005-07-31T00:09:00.000+08:00

I'm dying now, my eyes... Half their usual size I think. So tired. Manage to do my Maths PT. Today's one and only accomplishment. Training rocked today. Conditioning was totally shit but I like it. Yea baby... Back somer. Cool man, coolest thing ever. I like it but I cant do it. Argh.

I realised today I didnt lose a friend. It was a misunderstanding on my part. I'm glad we have contact once more. GLAD. And I dont blame her that much anymore but I didnt say I like her.

I lost my hair today. No more hair and combing anymore. Rest in peace hair. And I hate the damn auntie forever.

I need to fa xie. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

-shattered rubber-

engage me

2005-07-29T17:59:00.000+08:00

I'm home from this totally wacky day at school. Doing the damn SL project. It's so retarded! Paper making, oh my god laaa... I was crapping during the whole 2 hours lor. And I haven't shit for a very long time. Must remember to shit later. -takes out notebook and pen-

Morning prize presentation was scary... Hate being the first, my classmates all said I wasnt smiling. Come on la, I tried right? Even though deborah tan was smiling like shit dont know for what.

I honestly think he is very cute. Not cute as in good looking but cute.Talking to him is like so fun. Makes me laugh everytime. So far nobody has been able to make me tear through laughing. Will you be the first?

My blog is dead. Shin says must be more engaging. OK! I shall make it engaging. I think my racism is coming to an end. Sobs. I'm hanging out with my malay classmates. Picture that ok? I think I'm still against Indians. Sorry, no offence. Pity malays though. Cannot eat many food. I live to eat. Deprive me of food for a day, I'll be dead. Whoot, long post.

-limitless boundaries-

cold blooded

2005-07-28T19:04:00.000+08:00

People, lets welcome a whole new cold blooded world! No feelings, no emotions and definitely no strings attached. Snake, my aspiration. I'm cold blooded.

Aliens make humans. I'm so into it. Believe? Made me think for very long. Very long... Could they have made the universe too? Who made them? Unsolved mysteries.

I'm so stressed recently. STRESS. Can I take a year's break from school? Pretty please? Not very comfy being the only one doing c div routine. So lonely, like so odd and horrible. Sobs.

I dont like the fuck word. Not at all. It's so meaningless. all you go is fuck here and there. oops... I oppose vulgarities! Speak good english. BE understood! =)

-deception-

whoosh

2005-07-24T17:48:00.000+08:00

Mixture of feelings all jumbled up in one. Its like funny.

Everytime someone says 'we are not perfect', I feel so sad. I dont get it. How do they know what is perfect? And why are we humans degrading ourself like that? Unless somebody can throw in a defination of perfect, otherwise it would be... sad.

I like cute people. They always make me laugh. And they dont know it themselves. I like cute people.

-selfless humiliation-

ice!

2005-07-22T22:31:00.000+08:00

I feel so un-respected... I am nothing but a human, can't you just show me some respect? I am going solo..

My spinal end hurts like hell... Not that hell hurts, well I dont know but it hurts a lot. Ice skating rock. Although I was like a corpse after the whole thing, it was one of the best things I ever did in my ever short and meaningless life. It's so fun! I'm so happy...

Threading is freaky and painful. My eyebrow is like half gone... so sharp, I think can poke someone. There's after effects, it hurts for a long time... And threading is using a thread to pluck out your hair. Sadistic and I like it.

Life hurts, but no pain, no gain.

-Show me the meaning of being lonely-

blank

2005-07-17T18:16:00.000+08:00

I'm so losing my optimism already. What the hell... Damn. I dont know what to write. I feel so in a mess, like in this lump of shit covered in toilet paper.

I hate juggling school work with everything esle. I'm so lost, the world is moving and yet I'm still stranded in this world of my own.Damn.

Argh, what does it matter anyway? Who even gives a shit? In the end, no matter what happens, everything will just come to an end. The same end and by then, nothing matters anymore. But before it all just leave, I shall try and make it a happy one.

-never again-

dammit

2005-07-16T21:04:00.000+08:00

Damn... I can't stand myself anymore! God la, how many mistakes have I made in my life? How many times have I made people cry and how many times have I let myself down? Oh god..

Today was weird. Totally weird. Imagine this, 3 18 years old guys with this 13 year mei mei walking around the streets of orchard and heading for pool. The mei mei is wearing a Raffles uniform. wow.

I'm just so busy nowadays, I need time for myself. I lost all thinking and reflecting time. The only time I can come up with something is when I'm in the toilet doing number 2.

Life is just like shit. So crappy, yet it still makes you feel good when you are all done with it.
I love my work... =)

-I'll come visit you in your grave, just promise you dont turn-

art gymmers

2005-07-14T20:22:00.000+08:00

wow, this week has been so tough for me and it is not ending yet. I'm already so exhausted. All the catching up on school work and stuff. Gym competition going on now. RGS not doing very well but I know they all tried very very hard already. Well, it was really fun watching the different competitions but frightening to see someone fall.

Ten things I can't live without:
Oysters
Music
Eggs
Rmps friends
Rgs friends and seniors
Bed
Trampoline
Family
Computer
Contact lenses

-I have a dream-

initial d

2005-07-12T21:02:00.000+08:00

Initial D is nice! Recommended by me. And look out for Edison Chen, the hunk of the show.

Today rocks. Well, considering that nothing much happened except the movie and me eating too much, it rocks. Ha, and I'm not going to school tomorrow. Ha...

I dont feel like writing, thought about so many things today. I really think I should let go and pretend it didn't even happen. Yes, people walk in and out of your life but only some leave footsteps. This person walked in, and left a hole in my heart.

-never had a dream come true-

heart

2005-07-11T17:26:00.000+08:00

Man... I realise my heart is really failing me. Each time I feel scared or excited or some emotion too strong, my heart just kinda have this weird feeling and I can't breathe and stars appear. Am I dying? I'm so scared. I still want my life! Today it happened for the number dont know what time. God, save me.

I hate D&T and insects. Both sucks. I can't cut plastic at all. I can't follow the damn line cause I'm cock-eyed. Crap. And insects are evolved from dust. Trust me. Disgusting creatures that come into your house before they die. Yucks. I rather touch my shit than them. But I dont mind eating them. Ha. I eat anything and everything. Beware.

Seating arrangement changed. It rocks. My tu di is beside me and basically I'm surrounded by people I like. Yay.

-black and blue-

comp

2005-07-08T16:55:00.000+08:00

I'm so proud of everyone. They did so well. I just had to screw up. It was like so sudden. I was doing well and then I didn't know what happen. By the time I know, it was over.

Next year. It shall be my year. I will show everyone that their faith in me was not misplaced. This setback was just to make me do better, make me work harder.

All those who comforted me, thank you. It meant a lot. Next year, I promise.

One day of sadness is enough. No more brooding, tomorrow will be better. I tried so hard, I got so far. But in the end... it doesn't even matter. I don't deserve the trophy.

-growing feathers and a beak-

in competition

2005-07-06T20:29:00.000+08:00

Wow, today. Hectic. Trust me, I nearly got a heart attack and needed hospitalization. Thank god I passed through it. Tomorrow will be worse. Do come and visit me.

I got into competition. Believe? I don't. It seems so dreamy. I'm scared. And nervous. Shall not think too much. Makes no difference. Trust me. Competition tramp is good. For it shall be different only for us to fare better, not to destroy our wonderful routines. I have confidence in my team mates. Not in myself.

First thing early in the morning. Pauline came screaming in the class. Contacts. Again. Next thing, lit was freaky. Jumping on the tramp freaked my shit off. And making tarts was nice. So delicious. Thank you, I know I didn't contribute much. Haha.

I love my cca. And my life rocks. Pray people, for tommorow. Eternal gratitude.

-dreamland-

fun day

2005-07-03T19:34:00.000+08:00

I feel so HAPPY now! My god!! I love my life. It just rocks. And I love projects. Haha.

SO fun, went to tampiness to do lit project then was laughing my entire ass of the whole time. So funny la. Also don't know why. Made my whole group so irritated, we didn't get anything done. Wow, thanks, I'm a genius. I am usually like that but in school I just stone, so not myself. Only with close people then can like that. People I like and hang out with them. Haha, soooo fun

Right, I keep seeing people go BOO. What's the problem la?? Alamak. Not like they are ghost or what lor. Meaningless words. I prefer POO.

Read the sec 4s blog. I realise how much I will miss them. How nice they had been to all of us. How special they are. I will miss them so. Nicest sec 4s in RG. Get the hint, Rg seniors are not all nice. And I love my CCA.

-out of sight, never out of mind-

stupidity

2005-07-02T20:32:00.000+08:00

Ah! I still couldn't get over the whole incident about my keys. I can't believe my stupidity la. It's a miracle I manage to pass my exams. Well...

Ooo, wednesdays making tarts!! With shinyi and pauline!! So exciting! I'm going to eat all the tarts. I no need make decision for gym anymore. Teo say he make. So happy can, like a load off my back. I didn't like break down these past few days. So happy.

It's a trend la. I realise. People are getting "depressed" because everyone is doing the same. To break out of such a stupid trend, it takes determination and philosophy. Your own philosophy. Of course next most important element is friendship. It helps, trust me. Positive people, not pessist.

-raindrops will fall-

im such an ass

2005-07-01T17:20:00.000+08:00

now at ming's house. what the hell la. I lost my damn keys. Actually is one key la. So I can't open the damn door. I lost it in school lor. And I saw it on the floor but didn't give a shit about it. Wow, I'm just so clever. Thank you.

My life is in a mess now. Competition is like 5 more days and i'm here deciding to go or not and my routine is so sucky. Maybe should just give Sher my place. Need more thorough thinking. Thanks brain. Love ya.

I want my life back. My wonderful training life. I just love my training without comp. No troubles at all. Haix, when will it happen? Must tahan more. Realisation, the language of happiness is laughter. Ha, HaHAHA Hahaha. Figure that sentence out. Haha.

Shall end my post now. gotto leave my hero's house and get home. Bye Bye, HahaHaHA BWahHAHa, HAha Bwaahah.

-lameness rocks-

cloud 9

2005-06-30T21:06:00.000+08:00

Today's training rocks. I love singing. I didn't want training to end. But it's reality. Nothing lasts forever. And competiotion how? I don't even know I'm in la... So tired of something like this.

Self-abuse. Topic of discussion. Doesn't make sense. Would hurting yourself relieve pain? Instead of just hurting emotionally, you are hurting physically too. And mind you guys, your body is not yours. You are not allowed to misuse it. Do you know the regret you will experience when you become more matured? More sensible? For goodness sake, stop acting like a child. Only a true determined person will be able to take all life dealt at us. It is my aspiration. Face it please.

I feel so disgusted with myself. I realise how much I've matured as I stayed in RG. I looked back at my life. It was disgusting. What matters now is now. Shall not brood on the past but I'm glad I learnt from it. I love my cca.

-crossroads once again-

disappointed

2005-06-28T21:32:00.000+08:00

Well, I'm feeling real not nice now. It's not like sad la. Well, maybe... I shall get over it. Just a passing moodswing.

Today was talking to shinyi on the way home. Everyone has their own troubles. It all depends on how you look at it. Share them, you will feel much better, for after all, what are friends for? Troubles are just there for a reason. Not for you to brood over them but think about it and fix them. Pauline is so hot and cold. I feel so... It's a weird feeling la. And we are gradually building a wall between us. And to knock it down, I'm not the only one who should put in effort. Can't like blame her la. I'm sure it will pass after comp. Wouldn't it?

School sucks to the core. It's not happy. All I am asking now is for a clear mind. And a weightless heart. And I love the sec 4s. They rock. I will so miss them when they go. Honest.

-I don't want to let go-

first day

2005-06-27T17:35:00.000+08:00

Hui Hui came over today and asked me what's my decision. I gave a shrug. Then she said I better go. Tell me how now. how...

I missed gym terribly today. I was thinking about it the whole day. Then there was this talk by an ex-rgs girl. Happiness. What she said I had already figured out myself. But it still kind of reminded me to stay happy, always. And saw this letter from Jess. Sad. I have a new patient.

What's so depresssing about life anyway? I find it so exciting and fun! As if all the difficulties are just there to prepare me for the future and each of them is a challenge itself. Yet, so few realise that... They think of all the bad things. All the challenges they see it as obstacles and this leads them to a miserable life. Sure, school sucks. But if it hadn't been for school, what would you have achieved now? Would you even have any friends? Face reality people, and stop sleeping in a world of your own. Because only You can change your life. The rest are just there to guide you, but you can chose to go your own way.

-tell me how special I am-

3rd post today

2005-06-25T21:41:00.000+08:00

I feel so... dont know how to say la. I was thinking about the situation I'm in. I really do not know. Trapped between my mind and my heart. Can somebody show me the way? Whoever reads this, please tell me. Yes or no? I didn't want to be caught in between like that. I just knew something like this would happen.

Nobody really understands my situation. Who can share my dilemma with me? I dont want to regret which ever decision I make. Just give me an answer and show me the way, for this girl is stuck.

-help me-

gym thingy

2005-06-25T19:01:00.000+08:00

WHEE, the trails are like over. But then more trouble for me. I'm in a dilemma. Really. Shall not blog about it. Got other more fun things to say!!

K, today the "zai-est" senior I ever met, (maybe got others more zai than her but I think she's the best!) told me before I was going to jump for the second time... I can't remember leh. Hm. She said very encouraging words to me. Maybe not la. I thought it was, haha. Then after the whole thing with the results out, she said "i think u rock man.". God la, I was soooo happy! Maybe I didn't show it but I was too happy to show it. Then I said"learn from you de ma". Then she said "I wasn't as zai as you last time when I was at your level." Or something like that. Man, I'm so happy. I know I sound les but its not les. Its touching to me la.

Wah, today was so sad in the morining. It was raining somemore and all the sad things came to me. I wrote them down,"The rain just kept pouring. It didn't seem like it would stop. Was this a bad omen? Yet, somehow, I found solace in the sound of water. Somehow it just spelt what I wanted to say. the rain is my friend." I just wanted to hide away from it all, to escape from reality. Yet, that was in the past.

-the joy in me, indescribable-

parental troubles

2005-06-25T10:15:00.000+08:00

I was reading through my friends blog. Somehow, parents seem to be making us miserable. Or perhaps we are making their lives miserable. But this is teenage life. Yes, its tough to go through, but how long can they have the energy to scold us? 10 years? 15 years? Somehow, what we endure at home will build up our tolerance level to endure what our little kids next time will do to us. Reflect people, reflect.

I dreamt of HIM last night. Fact, I dont know what he looks like. Yet, in my dreams, he seems to be the one. In my dream, it was love at first sight. In my dream. I dont know how to describe. Its kinda weird. Very funny dream. I fell in love last night only to wake up to realise it was all but a dream.

-all I ever wanted was a someone-

hapee ass

2005-06-24T18:35:00.000+08:00

Helo! Felt so high recently!! I'm on top of the world, and I love this feeling. Hope it continues but I think it will die off tmr. It's the trails. Crap

Is the great depression here? School is starting. Depression. But it's reality la. So even if I feel sad about it, I still have to face it. Might as well feel happy about it. At least there's the December holidays to look forward to. Right? Wow, I can't believe I'm being happy that school is starting.

Grab the chance. That's what I learned. Went to teresa's house with olivia on thursday. So fun. Even a tiny visiting turns out to be so fun. Well, when you are with a close friend. I so she bu de her. Pictures are just memories. Nvm, I shall just pretend to hug her till I see her again. (quoted from a pic)

Haix, no more late nights and late mornings. So sad. Shall not brood over it. Life's fun!! HIGH

-sparkling eyes-

crap

2005-06-23T12:13:00.000+08:00

Crap, today was crap. Seeing my classmates again, going to my previous house for a horrible field trip to look at rocks and coming home to the realisation that I have loads of homework. Argh. Ever since I known Cheryl, she has been hating RG. I know many others who do too. Maybe there should be a -I hate my school- club. Hm.

Randomism has taken over me. I keep going to the library nowadays and I wouldn't be suprised if an hour later I'll be out of the house. I was thinking of writing a book. Maybe during December holidays. Maybe.

Anyway, my life is so plain. I need excitement!! For the life of me, why am I in RGS? If only there were guys. If only. My 4 years would be dull. But hey, I've completed 1/2 year of studies there. Only 3.5 more years. Hm.

People, presenting my wonderful picture! I'm in love with it. Haha, why am I so vulgar recently? Must cut down. When will competition be over? And when will Sec 1 be gone? Again, the first letter of every paragraph.

-The light at the end of my tunnel-

oolala

2005-06-22T18:01:00.000+08:00

Finally, I posted. Somehow I missed posting. But my bro's studying so wad can I say? Well, I decided to base my blog on wad I think and not what my day was about. Maybe a little section about day la.

Ultimate today. It was so tiring training. Not conditioning, but jumping. I nearly died. Ohwells. Watched Batman, its nice! I like. 2 movies I wanna watch, a lot like love and mr n mrs smith. Haix, im beginning to notice the hole in my already burnt wallet.

Can a human mind ever reach its full capacity? It is said that only 10% of the mind was used. Wad's the other 90% for? Take up space? I'm sure there'll be some usage for them. Doesn't make sense. Was pondering over it today. Humans are weird. I really want to know deep within us. What is it that makes our personality? Was it determined from birth or influenced by others? And I really want to invent a machine to stretch people. Coz I realise stretching takes too much time. haix

K, this is such a long post. Many things went through my head today. Kinda cool actually, I love thinking, makes me ponder. And correction of a phrase, birds of the same feather doesn't makes sense. Feathers of the same bird sounds better. Hm. Observe the first letter of every paragraph.

-I didn't mean to fall in love with you-

thoughts

2005-06-19T11:41:00.000+08:00

It's not that I dun wana blog recently. But my bro has his exams coming soon and i can't have access to the computer which is in his room. So ya, I'm fulfilling my duties as a good sister.

I read this book, about reality. REALITY. Humans do have wrong thinkings. Like why do they have doctors and hospitals? It's anticipating that they will get ill but why dun they just pay a doctor to keep them healthy and when the person is sick stop paying the doctor till he is well? Doesn't make sense right? What's the use of feelings when it has no use? Feelings like anger, worries and jealousy. Why waste energy? Humans are retarded. Face reality people, and stop living in a world of your own.

Some people are really shallow. We study for knowledge, thats the reality. So wad if we get good grades just through memorising and not really understanding it? Grades are not everything. The education system must change. As crude as it may seem, reality may be very simple, but it is far more complex than it seems. What we see with our eyes is reality but what our mind does is change it to something unrealistic. Humans are retarded.

Shall not condemn humans anymore. Life's great for me recently, and school is starting. Slogging my guts out again. Once again, this is reality. However much you think about it, nothing will change. Why waste time?

-facing reality-

back

2005-06-17T18:45:00.000+08:00

whee...today was like damn nice! well, pauline's back but training was sucky today even though i enjoyed conditioning. got scolded by all seniors thx to backdrop. using onscreen keyboard to type now... backdrop sux, itz the ultimate.

nth to say, eye check was cool! im discharged! happy lor. fullstop.

-finding joy in small things-

fuck

2005-06-16T20:25:00.000+08:00

hell, I can't stand my parents anymore how? I feel so... so trapped. I think my mum is a bit... I don't know how to say. Everything I do she thinks I have a motive. I cannot stand having to explain to her so much. Who really knows how I feel?

Today was fun ba. I went training in the morning leh. Can't believe. Then went shopping. It was nice and I got many clothes. Saw charlene there. Suprise. Ya, that's my day. Wonder whether pauline back already. I didn't receive any news of her coming back or what. hmm...

Sometimes you feel many emotions at once and only one word can describe the emotions. fuck.

now

2005-06-15T10:08:00.000+08:00

now is the time when a girl feels lonely. she is fighting the coming of depression and is determined. happy thoughts appear to her, exciting thoughts. her senior is coming back, holidays are ending soon and she passed her theory exam (78/100). yet, with happy thoughts, bad thoughts follow. there is training later. and she is still aching from last time's ordeal. nobody's home now, she feels alone. she also has an eye checkup coming soon. and she is scared. she still wants to see the world, yet she might go blind. she can only hope nothing goes wrong. but having penned her thoughts now, she feels better. coz she knows the reason for her sadness and she has won the battle.

-to get to my heart, you have to fight my mind first-

seafood

2005-06-14T22:59:00.000+08:00

Seafood. I ate and ate and now I feel so guilty. Fats. Cost adds up to 800. A lot lor. Can buy many things.

I was thinking, my bro has a cousin who is same age. I don't. I feel so left out at times. Like I'm so odd, neither here nor there. If only I had this cousin, same age. Better if it is a guy. I think my life would be better.

My idea of an ideal boyfriend, the person I'm seeking for.
-He must have the same personality as me.
-He must be the one i'm always comfortable with.
-He need not be shuai, coz in my eyes he will be.
-He must love me for who I am.
-So far, I have only found one such guy.

Why am I so crushless? I feel weird sometimes. But I know I am a hard egg to crack. And i'm unique.

-We all have one thing in common, we are all different-

reflections

2005-06-13T11:27:00.000+08:00

Let's do some self reflecting---

Past few days were lonely for me. I think I kinda disturbed many of my friends. Sorry.. I might be a wee bit posessive.

I consider myself blessed. What more can a girl want? I have a doting brother. Although my parents are weird but at least I'm not froma broken family. And my cousins are really nice, only thing is that most of them are not my age and are mostly girls.
RGS is my school. The dream of many girls. Yet, it's not that I really wanted to get in. But I'm blessed.
I'm in my favourite CCA, a CCA of my dreams. My seniors are incomparable to anyone esle. They are too nice. So nice that I'm afraid all will be an illusion, a beautiful illusion and not reality.
I'm getting along quite well with my classmates and my school work is of OK standard and that's all i ask.
I had my fair share of relationships. More than enough. I need a break. And I'm really too young for these stuff. Must control myself.

I do not see why I was so depressed last time. I'm a blessed girl. Thank you God, I do not see what I did in my previous life to deserve this. I'm very grateful. So all those depressed people out there, stop wallowing in self-pity. I"ve picked myself up and so should you people out there. The sun is shining brightly out there, why are you still drowning in yr own tears?

-love me for me-

touched

2005-06-12T23:57:00.000+08:00

I felt something I never felt before in my life today. I was touched. I never felt so emotional today. Pauline sent me this email. It was touching. Maybe because she was experiencing something there. ahhem. But I was touched and that's all that matters. I feel like crying. maybe i really am crying.

I decided to stop being my old self again. i'm changing, from a caterpillar to a butterfly. Dull to one who finds life full of excitement. And I will not give up.

-rainbow after rain-

taste my tears

2005-06-12T18:26:00.000+08:00

I'm obsessed over tong hua. I'm attracted to its lyrics. somehow I find solace in it. hm.. These past few days had been really fine for me. I am really forcing myself to be more cheery. FORCE. I don't wana give up half way to depression. Coz I noe I will win the battle.

Sometimes I find people who are depressed useless. Reason, they think that the world stops just because they are depressed over non-sensical issues. Come on, the world is more than a breakup. Many people still are there for you. And your only true friends are those who stick by you when you are down. Those who bother even to spend time to talk to you. But you can't expect them to be always at your beck and call right? Inside, all you need to know is they will be there for you 24/7.

Do not affect the people around you just because of what you are feeling. That's what i live by. And i realise I'm different, and so are you.

-yan lei de wei dao-

take control

2005-06-10T19:30:00.000+08:00

training was tough today. very tough. I realised that usually after intense training i will get a headache. and i will get asthma soon. reali soon. I can't breathe at all after intense exercise. Quite lonely today but nit really that bad la.

I thought of something today. I shall invent a new toilet bowl one day. A toilet bowl that has a sensor and helps you to wipe yr ass. One that can be controlled by speech. It shall be a millionaire project. haha. ya, as if i can invent it. This is just an idea and it will never come true.

I feel deserted. Like i'm in this island of my own. And no one is there to rescue me, to save me from death. And I'm really feeling empty. Very empty.

-gripping at the edge-

gone

2005-06-09T22:19:00.000+08:00

Shinyi is not coming for training for sometime. I'll be alone. Alone... She better get well soon. And competition coming soon too..

This is depressing. One more week and Pauline will be back. I kinda miss school. My days are getting more and more lonely. Wrong idea to stop the homework. I need something to occupy my thoughts. Today i did 3 book reports. Amazingly, I feel happy. I think I really miss work.

I think my mood swing is coming back. I have to stop this depression. And training nowadays are getting worse. Tiring and tough. I don't think I can take it anymore. Hanging by a loose thread. Please spare the conditioning god!! I don't mind the jumps but conditioning not so severe please.

-I wana be in the rain so you would'nt see how hard i'm crying-

2005-06-09T11:05:00.000+08:00

What type of teenager are you?

the sad teen. Everything in life is f*ckin' miserable. You constantly look over your shoulder and wonder who is judging you...even when you are alone. So naturally, you have become a little paranoid and pessamistic. Your personality can be one demensional but confusing. You are constantly bored with life and wish that something could spice it up. You have a unique view on life and have identified the problems with school society (Ex...what makes popular people, how the student mind works...) You would rather be alone because you hate being hurt. You tend to think that no one understands you, not even your parents / guardians / friends. But that is just the opposite! The people who love you want to help, but they don't know how because they have a feeling that they will say something wrong and turn you away. You have to let them know that you are willing to hear what they have to say...and it might do some good to listen to them.
Some fields you might consider going in when you are older...Judge, author, songwriter, producer, therapist, psychologist, philosopher, or forensic scientist. You need a job where you can express yourself and your views on life. Or you need a field where you can judge others and predict what is going on in others life. Either way... you have the personality to get you a good job that will support you throughout life.

[true.]

it's a day gone

2005-06-08T18:58:00.000+08:00

Why am I feeling so empty recently? Like a toilet bowl without shit. Gosh... What's the problem with me anyway? Today's training was horrible. Conditioning and jumps. Dumbells, instrument for torture. Dun ever hold them... Wanjun was around. This time she was pissed. Hui hui fell and injured her ankle. And she got kinda pissed, which is not good.

Actually, today i feel happy. Disregarding the emptiness. It's been so long since I felt this way. I was actually smiling to myself on the way home like a lunatic freak. Shin yi was like "crying" on the way home. With all the tears erupting out. Can't blame her la, she got a cold and it's her body reaction. Crying over a cold. Muahaha. I'm mean. And it looks like i am bullying her as we sat and waited for the bus...with her tears.

It's another day that passed. One day fewer before I die. Scary, can I not die? I can't imagine just disappearing all of a sudden. If only time can go back. If only.

-Love is powerful, very.-

depression state

2005-06-07T16:14:00.000+08:00

I duno why I'm feeling so depressed now. Utterly depressed. Possible cause of mood swings and hormonal changes. So do not understand what's the problem with hormones. Being a teenager sucks. Itz just crappy. Trust me. Just leave me as a kid or as an adult. Spare me please.

I feel so empty inside. Cry till I laugh...Only when we know how to live death will we know how to live life. Taken from Tuesdays with morrie. Touching book. I hope when I die, I could tell myself I lived my life right, I do not have any regrets. And most importantly, I hope I get to see all my friends once again. Just one more time.

Man! I feel so empty now..

-Courage. I can't find it in me-

sinking

2005-06-07T11:15:00.000+08:00

GOD please take note:

-A happy holiday
-Pauline to be safe and sound
-Love
-Bless the people around me
~That's all I want, thankyou~

Santa please take note:

-IPod!! or MP3
-New clothes
-A new bag
~That's all I need, thankyou~

-I dun ever want to be alone again, never..-

I can't take this much longer..

2005-06-06T22:05:00.000+08:00

I'm dead tired. Honest. So tired i dun even haf strength to type. Past few days are just too exhausting. Serious. Joy said tmr wan me go training. I said TRY coz I haf piano and I really dun feel like going. Shall tell her that tmr. Sorry but I can't take it physically and mentally. Honest.. Let me off!

Meeps. Went out with Hui qin and piano teacher today. Like spent 100 plus. But not from my pocket. Japanese restaurant earned much from us. I ate and ate, think I'm gaining one kilo. But who gives a damn? Hui qin is really nice. Like always. Haha..

Mj wans me to watch monster in law. Sad, I watched liao. Felt kinda bad rejecting her, I hope she finds someone esle ba.. Wana watch cursed. But, judging at the hole in my pocket, maybe next time and hitchhiker totally rocks. Funny thing.

Whoa, ok, my bro is killing me. Like coz he wana study? Chill ppl, ultra short post once more. Chill...

-Leave me in solitude-

shop till i drop

2005-06-05T21:38:00.000+08:00

Wow, today was like whoosh! Time like so totally fly from me. Had a whale of a time with my wonderful seniors. So fun but dun feel like elaborating la...

Ok, pauline like tagged in the gym blog today. Suprise suprise... She's so lucky to be able to go Japan. Lucky pig... Bought this top today and mum was like too revealing. Come on lor, itz just the back a bit of holey... Haiz.. She say dun allow me to wear but I was a rebel. And I will always be.

Meeps. Meeps, just felt like saying it. Ok, my bro is chasing me out. Sorry for the ultimate short post for an eventful day. Dui bu qi, zai jian le...

-Stripped naked-

gratitude

2005-06-04T18:05:00.000+08:00

Gratitude. I'm grateful for my everything. Friends, family and stuff. Many others, not possible for me to list them all out. Yet, I'm not contented. The energy in me is waiting, one day it shall burst and I shall go against the world. Against everything. No, maybe not everything, but something.

Contentment. Have we ever thought about just what is contentment? I don not believe in contentment. Humans will never be content. Trust me. All who says they are contented are just crapping. Lies, everything is just lies.

But I'm grateful. I'm not contented. I know what the world has to offer and I wana have a taste of it. Sort my life out. What the shit was i thinking? I like my life just the way it is. The messy me. Thank you for creating a beautiful illusion in front of me. But it's all just an illusion isn't it? What is reality anyway? Cruel side of me, the dark side, slowly engulfing me...

-I wanted yoo to love me-

Torn

2005-06-03T18:50:00.000+08:00

Morning comes, night fades... Tats just a cycle of life. I dreamt about Pauline yesterday night. Shocking to me. Wasn't even thinking of her whole of yesterday. Gosh... Squashed a mosquito yesterday. Haha... So cute! Found it at the corner of my bed dead. Weird night it was. Weird...

Training today was ok ba... Wanjun and Hui ru n one more senior senior came. Wanjun came. surprise... Wonder what will happen if Pauline around given the fact that they hate each other. Kinda funny thinking about it. I think i will laugh. Suffered a pulled ligament like quite long ago but got much worse due to teo's pulling. Exempted from the lifting up butt but still hurts like hell. Was shivering during pulling and teo said" wah, shivering leh" or smthing like tat. Cracking was cool, but pain. Love my backbone...

Dieters. Wad's their problem? So pissed off with them. Joy is dieting too but I'm glad Jess didn't diet so much. Very glad. Talking about her, something wrong with her elbow. Injury? Hope she gets well soon... Competition coming and she must take care of herself.

Long post today.. eventful? Nah.. Dun think so. Shall stop this crap now.

-I miss yoo, I want yoo to know-

rope swinging, my heart is crying

2005-06-02T11:35:00.000+08:00

Training today nearly killed me.. Practically just hate the cracking and spilts. The fear before the action, too much. Just too much. 200 jumps are ok right? But not when yoo do it for shredder, tuck and straight. Total adds up to a wonderful 600 jumps. Woohoo... wow, can't believe I survived. Dead tired now, yet just came back from orchard. Went back to school and nearly scared the shit outa me. Well, at least I didn't get booked for my Radin Mas shorts.. xP

Bought something for bro. June first, his grand 18th bdae. So old already. Not like me, still a pathetic 13. Can't wait to grow up. Hate this age where yoo r just in between. Haix, doesn't make sense. But then again, does anything still makes sense?

Can't wait for my dear sunday.. Going out wif shinyi... n sher.... took a cab home today wif shinyi. Was quarrelling in taxi and uncle was very kind and helped resolve issue. Haha. Didn't close the door properly on the way home. Felt kinda guilty.And didn't lend cd to shinyi. SO guilty... Sori my dear... on friday k? dui bu qi. Muz rmb to pay her cab fare and clara still owes me 2 bucks!!

Ok, shall end the post for today. Good night people, the sky is darkening...

-rope is swinging, my heart is tearing-

restricted frm my world

2005-06-01T09:39:00.000+08:00

Dim sum buffet rawks! whee.. ate till so full... But I let my friends down. Dui bu qi.. I will organise one more meeting ok? I organise not some other ppl. Turned out to be a mess! haha, meano me... x)) Very fun going out wif cousins and bro. Although our age gaps are ahhem... Went to watch MADAGASCAR today. So freaking farni!! The penguins were so farni!! They went to the antartica and stare at the wind... and said: ok... This sucks. LOL!! laughed till my shit came out and everybody tot i was mad... My cousin later treated us to mud pie at coffee club. Nice... Marina rocks!! I hope i can rmb how to get there.

Back home now, many issues came to my mind today as we toked. i realised that perhaps i'm over reacting over pauline. a bit ba... Shld control myself, haix.. I haf training tmr and itz gona sux. Jess n joy nt here. PIG...nvm, muz not miss them too much. A bit crazy...

My holidays are kinda packed. Tmr got training and Friday oso. Saturday too. Sunday going out wif sher n shinyi i think. THINK. Then monday got movie trip n lunch wif hui qin. Excited! Didn't see her for sum time liao... *grins* I shld reali buy my present for bro soon. his bdae tmr. 18... 18 years.. imagine my gd old bro being so old!!

I know I'm not leading my life right. I feel smthing is wrong. Fact is i duno wad... honest. I nid time to figure it out. N i practically despise ppl who haf bf or gf at my age. DESPISE. Juz some stoopid immature freaks they r... ok, shall end soon, goto bathe liao

-locked out from my world-

分手快乐

2005-05-31T09:36:00.000+08:00

I'm not the only one... I know that. Lonliness juz happens to everyone and these few weeks I'm juz going through my most emotional period. Everything will go back soon wouldn't it? Itz just a mood swing, one that lasted quite a while...

CPR course today. Itz all about blood and lives. I can't stand it. Nearly needed CPR myself. But I can't deceive myself, it does help. Gave me a bit of knowledge. Bro went for his NS medical health check. Haha, considering the fact he didn't faint, i give him an applause. We both can't stand blood and he had to draw blood today. x)

Did some reflecting today. i realise that if I was emotionally or physically or mentally occupied, I wouldn't think so much. Honest. Was listening to Fish Leong's songs on the way back home. Nearly felt like crying thx to the "fen shou kuai le". When yoo misses sumone, these songs do help, more or less.

Tmr is class gathering, my dear teresa disappeared. Juz can't contact her. I'm getting worried. Anyways, missing my dim sum buffet tmr juz to be wif them, they better feel touched. THEY BETTER... Shall end my post now. current mood (depressed)

-wo deng de ren ta zai duo yuan de wei lai?-

missing pauline

2005-05-30T10:17:00.000+08:00

today... wad to say about today? It was a boring day just like any boring days. I didn't feel like doing anything, my mind was occupied with my life. Pauline blogged which was kinda suprising for me. Got quite a shock. My oh-so-hyper friend aka senior was toking bout movie today. That got me hyper too! I wana go movie... WO LAI LE!!

Ok, I duno wad to feel or think. I have a stoopid CIP course tmr and I have a class gathering on tues. Fact is I have a buffet on tues too. I can't let my friends down anymore. No, I can't. I have to miss my one of my favourite thing in the world.

Shinyi says go ice-skating. So we decided to wait for Pauline to return before going. So if Pauline is reading this by any chance, message is: We are waiting for yoo paul!! x)))

My love life ain't going tat well. Haven't recovered from my shock. Gosh... Didn't know I could make such an influence in someone's life. Scary... -It's an obsession-

My mom is getting weird. I think she hates me. Recently she has been scolding me abt everything tat I've done. I think she hates the fact I'm in rg. wad to do? i told her I shouldn't go there!! And i didnt' change much did I? Why is everyone picking on me? RG girls are not what yoo ppl think. Serious. Does my character reali sucks? Even my mom hates me.

The world is changing, I'm not...

-Dun tell mi who i shld be. I lead my own life-

dry my eyes

2005-05-29T08:45:00.000+08:00

I'm scared, petrified. I think he knows more than I do. The truth is out I think, not that I wanted to hide it anyway. Will we lose our friendship?I didn't thought he wld go so crazy over me. We were just friends, weren't we? Being in a such a situation sucks. I shld reali prevent myself from being in a relationship even if it's not really one.

Today's training was ok...Can't believe Ivy scolded us. But itz partly our fault rite? We weren't training much but instead playing. Quite boliao stuff lor. No conditioning today. Felt so odd and energised. 2 senior seniors came, but they left like early?

So missed pauline. Wonder how she is doing in Japan..Thinking bout us? haha... Does she like the envelope? Maybe she'll think itz ultimate boliao-ness but it took much effort!

Hate 61, caused me $2.50 and waited for freak long de lor. sucky shit. I realise today how innocent I am. Love has so much politics, I'm confused. in this world where I dun belong, it's scaring me...

I'm gona end my post now, later got a wedding dinner. Sian, if only it was a gym gathering... muahaha...

-I nid my special someone-

im special..

2005-05-28T10:50:00.000+08:00

I'm kinda, more or less happy. I remember starting this day off telling myself: Fiona, yoo goto buck up. Today yoo will not feel sad and juz enjoy the day. Can't believe I did it. So thanks to pauline, shin, jess, sher and everyone esle who helped me in one way or another.. REALI THANKEW.. I couldn't haf done it without yoo guys.

And pauline, so going to miss yoo lor. Help me tell yr friend tat i think she very cute...hee, no ill intention. IM STRAIGHT. haha. jia you k, no nid be scared. I noe yoo can do it de!!

Today training rocked the shit out of me. pauline did a back somer. So pro... ultimate pig...

This shld be a short post. Tmr got training, a quiet one... Seniors and pauline n jess n sher not here. Joy oso. Sucks shit...

Anyways, I'm dedicating this post to pauline jie... :)
-The sky may fall, the sea may dry but I'll always be by yr side-

nothing makes sense anymore

2005-05-27T11:10:00.000+08:00

I should reali shut my mouth up. I tok too much today. Too much. Nothing makes sense anymore. nothing at all. I muz stop thinking so much. I'm practically living in a world of my own, a world where it's only me. I'm such a selfish ass..

I think I'm going crazy soon. Reali soon. Itz no longer a matter of whether i will or not, itz just when...
reasons:
-I am paying fewer attention to the cars on the road when crossing
-I think every minute of the day
-I feel like doing smthing to my life, but I cnt find the courage to continue
-I'm losing some of my appetite
-I dun gif a shit to anything anymore, nothing makes sense anyway

~`I should get on wif life, I ought to, I juz cnt find the courage to continue. I know I'll be fine...won't I?`~

lost

2005-05-26T09:21:00.000+08:00

My hand hurts now... reali hurts, cramp! Thanks to writing too much... Learnt my lesson the hard way.
I juz realised tat my chinese words are not properly aligned. I should reali do smthing bout it soon. Juz like I shld reali clear up my life. Itz in a wonderful mess. I swear I'll do something bout my life during June holidays and I shld reali get over the fact that I cnt get my perfect score in NAPHA. sucks...Juz doesnt seem to be able to get over it. The mention of NAPHA juz blurs my vision.
My piano lesson is like 15 mins away, Im officially doomed. Feeling sucky and depressed now, itz just one of my mood swings ba.. teenage life sux and hormones sux. I'll be fine after this mood swing de... But in the meantime,I'm not very sure.
My hand is still cramming and i feel so sleepy. Tmr got training. Something tells me I'll see the seniors there. Muz rmb to gif pauline the stuff. Spent like so much effort on it. She better accept it lor..
saw juee like so many times today...Kept waving, so sian, glad I wasn't dao-ed. On the way home saw wanchee jie. freaked out and juz avoided her... kinda scary. She seems to be in one of her moods.
ok, shall end now, hand is still cramming...

restricted

2005-05-25T12:21:00.000+08:00

-I want nothing, will yoo be my nothing?-

Simply love tat phrase, as in reali love it type...spent the whole night thinking bout the phrase, why, i reali duno.
Actuali I'm sick of being sick of life. I shld reali sort my life out and do smthing rite...After all, I'm just a kid, sum1 who doesnt mean much in this earth.
My wonderful senior is leaving for sumtime...pathetic, life wouldn't be the same anymore.. maybe we will distant from each other... itz fate ba, i think... Today's training was like pathetic?!? Seniors didn't come lor... k, shall not tok bout it.
Juz completed my geog PT.Why am I such a failure? like tmr's the deadline and I'm slacking out here writing about my life story. I doubt anyone will even bother reading the blog lor...
Heard from jess tat she is dieting. felt like killing her. Of all the people I can't stand, I juz simply hate dieters. Isn't it like stoopid? u decrease in height and not size. Seriously lor, when u stop dieting the temptations comes back and yoo juz stuff yrself and revert back or even worse. Dieting is a foolish act. Torturing yrself..Isn't life toturous enuf?
I tot about many things today on my way to training. too bad I forgot everything. These things juz come and go de. And i realise i juz cnt live without training. Tmr no training, sad.
Had photo taking todae, gym 1 juz simply rawked, nvr enjoyed taking pictures so much. I noe I'm not photogenic but.. ohwells.
Shall end now, dun feel like continuing anymore...

-So lonely, Mister lonely, I have nobody to call my own...[I walk a lonely road..]-